Allowing

Parenting a teenage manifestor daughter - a projector mother's living account

Remembering a bigger picture in the midst of changes

Having a daughter has changed my life in ways I didn't expect. After having 2 sons I was not prepared to have a little person who is so acutely tuned into me. The boys were living in their own world, busy exploring, imagining, moving and playing. Of course I was important to them and they knew me well, but once my daughter was born, everything was different.

I remember even the pregnancy was different. I felt this deep connection with her, it felt like my being expanded into this new being and we were beating in accord, the same rhythm, the same melody. Every cell in my body felt connected to her and her coming into the world was a moment I anticipated and cherished, wanting to know who is this person, who knows me so deeply?

As she was growing, she always wanted be close to me, by my side. She didn't venture out unless I did. She really paid attention to me, to everything I do, say, how I move my body. It became apparent that if I wanted to spare her from inheriting my traumas, I needed to work on myself first and address my shadow.

Growing up and having a parent who goes through spiritual awakening is not easy for a child. Anyone who walked the path knows that darkening of the soul is deep, dark pain that we need to be with it. My energy was loud, very loud, and it affected my children deeply too. She was always there for me and her spirit was showing through the acts towards her family.

Around the age of 12-13, the changes that started happening with her attitude towards the family were more and more apparent. It felt like I was a primary target of her resentment and anger. I was at a loss, felt attacked daily. Everything I was saying was wrong, ridiculed or denied. Arguments arose in the household daily as most members of the family were reacting with the same violence as she was attacking them.

It was gut wrenching, scary and painful to experience my sweet, loving daughter turn onto everyone. But as a mother, I knew that this is only the facade and the person she really turned on most, was herself.

Every time I would hear her correct me, laugh at my "wrong" way of saying or doing something, I asked myself this: "If she is saying this to me, what is she saying to herself?" If someone wants to hurt another so badly, chances are, they don't even realize they are doing it, because their internal battle is so viscous, they can not control their words anymore.

I decided I will wait. I knew I believe only in love.

I knew my daughter is love.

I knew if I loved her at her worst, she will eventually start to let me in.

I knew if I was patiently taking her "abuse" and showing her tenderness, she will realize I'm not the enemy here.

I waited.

I dared to enter her room and kept asking her if she's ok, knowing that she will yell at me and tell me to leave.

I kept calm. Well, as much as I could. I had low moments too.

Little by little she started to open up.

It took 2 years.

She kept inviting me to spend time together.

Every time we would spend time together, it would end up with her being angry with me, storming back home and telling me how much I suck.

I kept telling myself that's it. I won't do it again, what's the point if she's going to be mad at me no matter what I do.

But I knew I will never, ever give up on her.

After about 2 years, we started to see small changes. That's when my husband noticed too, and decided I was right and the gentle way is better then arguing, threats or punishments, which didn't work at all.

Our daughter had more moments of kindness towards us and even though she was evidently still in pain, she started to let me in more and more.

First, she only wanted to talk to me. She told me how she was feeling but if I tried to give any sort of perspective, she'd get upset and say I don't understand. So, I just listened. I gave her space to talk. I invited her to share and just listened to what she was saying without commenting or saying I understand. I did that for probably last 6 months or so. We went on countless walks together. Most of them ended up with her being upset with me, but after coming home she'd always apologize and remind me she's having a hard time and didn't mean it. I eventually learned how to talk to her. My usual projector questions are extremely annoying to the manifestors. I learned how to talk only informing. Telling her how I feel. Telling her I would like to know how she feels. It was a learning process for me where I grew and learned to communicate in a way that her energy was able to receive.

sometimes the path is very muddy

Yesterday we went for a trip together to Tiffany Falls. She was having a blended learning day and we planned to spend that day together doing something special. We were planning it for over a month and I was really excited to show her the falls, which I love. She ended up not liking the Falls, got really upset with me and it looked like our trip was going to end with an argument, once again. I asked her what she'd like to do then. She googled: places to do in Hamilton- and listed few options but we couldn't really do them at the time. Then I looked at the searches on the phone and saw something she didn't mention, that I felt she may enjoy. I remembered, that place is crucial to her, as her G centre is undefined. Turned out, she really liked the idea of walking by the beach, but was too hot and she didn't think to take a T-shirt, because when we were leaving in the morning it was still cold. So I took off my t-shirt and gave it to her, and wore a sweater. We went for a long walk on Confederation Beach in Hamilton, a place of her choosing.

At this point I was wondering, what am I doing? Is it correct to enable this behaviour? Am I setting a bad example by giving her my shirt instead of letting her experience the consequences of her own lack of planning?

As we ventured out, she asked me if there's something I would like to say. I told her my back was sore, as I haven't walk at all last week. Then I asked her if there was something she would like to say? At that point it unraveled and she shared her experiences with me. She painted a picture of her mind so I could see her entanglement but I said nothing.

When she finished, she asked me: "Mom, please tell me, does that sound good for me? Should I continue like this? I really want to know what you think."

Wow, I thought to myself. This is a first time she ever wanted to know what I think. I gave her my perspective and she could see why her thoughts were becoming distorted. She started to tell me more and more, became excited, light and happy. She saw a future for herself, she had a clear vision and a plan. This conversation continued in this matter for several hours as we kept walking by the beautiful, blue lake.

My feet were completely sore, raw from inappropriate foot ware and I was so hot in my sweater, that when we reached a bathroom, I just stood barefoot on the cold tiles, to cool off, sweat dripping down my torso.

None of this matter though, because I knew that we reached a milestone. I knew that 2 years of patience and kindness in return for anger and ridicule has shifted something in my daughter. She started to like herself again, had a vision for her life, she started to enjoy her life. She allowed another perspective of herself, a perspective that I held this whole time - she is a person, who is worthy of the greatest love.

I asked her for permission to share publicly about this experience and she agreed. She chose the pictures she was comfortable sharing. I am sharing with you today because perhaps you are in this situation where your daughter started to be mean, closed off and rejecting you strongly. I don't know your situation and your daughter and yourself, but regardless of everything, I know one thing: only love is real.

If you can remember this, if you can remember when she has forgotten this truth and is scared and lonely, you will be able to withstand it all. One day, you will be able to prove to her that she is worthy of love. If you can hold your vibration steady, she will meet you there when she's ready.

allowing the vastness of experiences without interference

This has been a transformative and growing period for me in ways I had no idea it could unfold. It was almost as I was forced to change to become the best version of myself, otherwise I'd sink and get lost. I had to learn to speak up for myself, set clear boundaries, use phrases like: "I want" instead of: "maybe I could, if that's ok with you... " If I want my daughter to be able to assert herself, I need to assert myself first.

Allowing our children to be while holding onto what we know is true is the hardest thing I did as a mother. Allowing them to feel uncomfortable feelings when all we want to do is jump into the rescue, patch it up and take their pain away. Allowing, while being at their side, holding space for their experiences, so they can figure it out on their own.

There's much more I could mention here, but this already encompasses the experience and perhaps I will write more another time. Thank you for reading, and if you wish, please do share your experiences or questions in the comments. If you know a mama of a pre-teen or teenage daughter, consider sharing it with her, perhaps she would benefit from reading this.

With love,

Izabela